


Darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream

by Miyukitty



Series: Yowamushi Ghoul [4]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul, 弱虫ペダル | Yowamushi Pedal
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Tokyo Ghoul, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Crossover, Demisexuality, Emotional Baggage, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Ghouls and their Humans, Homoromantic, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Insecurity, Insomnia, Interspecies Romance, Light Sadism, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Moving In Together, Relationship Problems, Toudou Jinpachi Being an Idiot, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-03-18 13:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3571910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miyukitty/pseuds/Miyukitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makishima wasn't sure how much longer he could handle having a roommate. He was a private person who needed his space, and more importantly, was terrible at handling people in general. Toudou was a drama queen who liked to blow everything out of proportion, and as such, they bickered constantly. </p><p>The ghoul almost longed for the days he could whip out his kagune and fling Toudou down the street, but without a quinque, it wouldn't exactly be a fair fight. It was still a tempting proposition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames

**Author's Note:**

> Direct sequel to this: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3475736  
> (Although you probably don't need to read both stories to understand what's going on.) 
> 
> THIS IS MY LONGEST FIC TO DATE, WHYYY. I wrote the first Ghoul!Toumaks from Toudou's POV so this time I tried Maki-chan. Turns out he is a bit of a sadist and he made parts of this very sad so HAPPY ENDING I PROMISE ;v; I love the climber family but um sorry in advance manami i swear ilu too <333 
> 
> [Yowamushi Ghoul, where Sohoku are ghouls in Tokyo, Hakogaku are the CCG, the titles are trashy pop music lyrics, and I embarrass myself on the internet! This fic doesn't have any connection to canon events but it does assume reader has basic knowledge of ghoul anatomy.]

 

_"You have to get it over with, Makishima," Tadokoro demanded._

 

_It was gloomy in the tunnel, but ghoul eyes gleamed red through the darkness. The broad-shouldered ghoul stood squarely facing his friend, jaw set stubbornly against determined features. By contrast, Makishima fidgeted and avoided eye contact. His stare was downcast, long green hair spilling over his sharp face._

 

_"Tadokorocchi, you know I can't," he whined finally to break the silence._

 

_Tadokoro guffawed loudly and clapped him on the shoulders, making him flinch._

 

_"I've known you for too long. You have to do it! I know you won't come with me, even though I think it's stupid and dangerous to stay here any longer. You made your choice… Yuusuke."_

 

_"Tadokorocchi… you…"_

 

_Makishima swallowed around the guilty lump in his throat, and edged closer to wrap his spindly arms around his friend. Tadokoro swept him into a fierce bear hug. They were both still for a moment, quietly listening to each other's breathing. It was a surreal moment, one he would never forget._

 

_"I'm no good at goodbyes," Tadokoro said gruffly, and there was a raw edge that Makishima squirmed and tried unsuccessfully to ignore. "And I know you could do better than some prettyboy human, but I'd rather you have him than be alone in that condo after I'm gone. Keep moving forward. Promise me you'll tell him how you feel, instead of making him chase you until you idiots both kill each other."_

 

_Makishima flushed in embarrassment and dug his knuckles into the sensitive spot on Tadokoro's ribs. The large ghoul yelped and tightened his hug, crushing Makishima against his broad chest._

 

_"Oww, okay, okay, let me go, I—I promise, sho," Makishima gasped, and staggered backward when he was released._

 

_Tadokoro cracked his knuckles and grinned triumphantly. "Good! And if he picks the Doves over you, eat him nice and slow so I can hear him squeal – I'll come back and pick you up!"_

 

_He winked, and Makishima could only groan and cover his face. "You're so embarrassing, Tadokorocchi. I… I don’t know what I'll do without you."_

 

_They didn’t say anything else as they waited for the shadows to lengthen, ready to spring their ambush on the unsuspecting bureau investigators above._

 

* * *

 

"I should have killed him a long time ago," Makishima groused into the darkness.

 

He sighed through his nose and shimmied out from under the too-warm arm and leg flung over him. Toudou, for all his vanity while he was awake, was an undignified sleeper. He tossed and turned, stole the blankets, and talked to himself. Was he ever not talking?! Always nattering on about himself and whatever his latest lecture topic was. Bah. He should fit him with a muzzle.

 

Quietly grumbling about the hour, the lanky ghoul shuffled out of the bedroom to fumble blindly with the coffeemaker.

 

Makishima wasn't sure how much longer he could handle having a roommate. He was a private person who needed his space, and more importantly, was terrible at handling people in general. Toudou was a drama queen who liked to blow everything out of proportion, and as such, they bickered _constantly_. The ghoul almost longed for the days he could whip out his kagune and fling Toudou down the street, but without a quinque, it wouldn't exactly be a fair fight.

 

It was still a tempting proposition.

 

While he waited for his cup to fill, Makishima poked around in the refrigerator to amuse himself. There were fresh fruits and vegetables, a package of seafood, some protein shakes, and other health food that Toudou insisted on having to maintain his beauty. Leftovers were neatly boxed and organized with little labels to the effect of, "Don't open, delicious food you don't want inside!" He snorted. (As if he was about to forget which food was his; Toudou's gourmet cooking _reeked_ to a ghoul's nose.)

 

His hand slipped into the crisper drawer and pulled out a small packet wrapped in butcher paper. Toudou hated to watch him eat, so midnight snacks when he couldn't sleep had become something of a routine. He tried to remember to keep his snacks out of sight, but it wasn't his fault if Toudou went digging around where he shouldn't. He gnawed absently on a human finger, then dipped it into his coffee cup to stir.

 

Toudou, Toudou, Toudou. His life revolved around another person now. It was strange.

 

Toudou tried so hard. Too hard, usually, with an eagerness to please that Makishima just couldn't comprehend and certainly couldn't reciprocate. He knew the three words _he_ said most frequently were "shut up, Toudou" rather than "I love you". He was not some starry-eyed optimist who talked about their future together. He was the one who punctured holes in every bubble of enthusiasm he saw because that was the only way he knew to handle unrealistic expectations.

 

Honestly, he couldn't understand why Toudou was still around.

 

He was a pessimist, and figured by now the human would have realized the mistake he'd made in coming to live in a ghoul's world. Toudou's thoughtfulness just made Makishima feel guilty. Nights like this only reminded him why he'd been alone for so long. (He was perfectly aware he had trust issues. That didn't make them any easier to overcome.)

 

Makishima could only imagine Tadokorocchi teasing him about it with that knowing grin. He didn't have a lot of friends he could get advice from these days. With a huff, he crunched down on the finger bones. They splintered between his teeth in a satisfying way. He leaned against the kitchen counter and closed his eyes as he chewed.

 

"I'm no good at this," he muttered to himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Morning light filtered in between the curtains. The ghoul never returned to bed, choosing instead to drink too much coffee and mull over his thoughts. _Starting another day well, Yuusuke,_ he thought sardonically.

 

Makishima peered into the bedroom in time to see Toudou reaching for both of their phones on the charger. He swept in quickly to snatch his phone from the nightstand, ignored the offended look on Toudou's face, and set about checking his messages.

 

"Maki-chan, how long have you been up…? I heard your phone buzz," came a drowsy mumble.

 

"Go back to sleep, Jinpachi," Makishima murmured. One hand strayed absently to stroke the human's cheek. He felt warm.

 

Toudou made a contented noise and settled back in against the pillow. "You ever think about us buying rings, Maki-chan? That's the human tradition, you know…"

 

Makishima barked a laugh. "A collar would suit you better," he smirked.

 

"Rude! Who is the message from?"

 

Makishima curled his lip in annoyance. "I thought you were going back to sleep," he hedged.

 

Toudou sat up, soulful eyes still bleary. His dark hair was rumpled and fanned into spikes, which actually didn't look bad on him, not that he needed any compliments to inflate his ego. He always looked good (even with stupid accessories like headbands that were better suited to teenage girls). His pajama shirt was mostly unbuttoned, baring a display of skin that Makishima assumed was on purpose.

 

"Now I'm curious, Maki-chan. You're being so evasive. Who is it? Do you even have friends other than me?"

 

He grinned and cocked an eyebrow. Makishima grimaced. He tried to shield the phone with his hands, but Toudou was already grabbing at it.

 

"It's private. If you must know, it's a client," the ghoul snapped, yanking the phone out of reach. So troublesome.

 

"Clients? At this hour? It's barely dawn."

 

Toudou's eyes narrowed in suspicion. Then he gasped dramatically and pointed, to which Makishima rolled his eyes, knowing some ridiculous accusation was sure to follow.

 

"Maki-chan! Don't tell me! Are you a… prostitute?!"

 

Toudou yelped when the pillow struck him across the face. He fell back against the mattress as he was both buffeted and berated.

 

"Shut up, Toudou! Don't say stupid things without thinking! Idiot!"

 

The ghoul hefted the pillow higher, threatening to smack him again, but froze at Toudou's expression. Violet-blue eyes had gone dark, brimming with hurt tears.

 

… _Shit_ , _was that too far?_

 

"Well, I don't know anything about Maki-chan's life! You won't tell me what your job is or how you pay for this fancy condo, anything about your friends or family, anything at all! It's not fair, when I tell you everything and you never open up," he wailed.

 

Makishima grit his teeth. His kakugan flashed for a moment, harsh black and red, but the colors bled away as he drew a slow breath. He bit back the retort on the tip of his tongue and willed himself to calm down. He didn't have to defend himself from every barb when he knew Toudou was right.

 

_I know, I know, I'm no good at this. Don't you think I know that better than anyone?_

 

"I'm not trying to hide things from you on purpose," he mumbled, and scratched his chin. A ball of guilt settled heavily in his stomach.

 

Toudou sullenly dragged a comb through his hair as Makishima dithered near the bed. The human was picking a hairband out of the drawer when the ghoul finally slumped in defeat.

 

"I have family money, the condo was willed to me, and… Look, if you want to see my work, you… you can come with me to meet my client in an hour. But you have to be professional—"

 

Arms were flung around him in an affectionate hug. Makishima squirmed under the shower of kisses, and tried unsuccessfully to extricate his limbs from the clingy embrace.

 

"Maki-chaaaan, thank you!" Toudou exclaimed much too loudly in his ear.

 

"I regret this already. If you touch anything while we're there, I'll execute you," he protested weakly, but of course Toudou pretended not to hear.

 

* * *

 

 

Makishima slipped his ear buds in as they walked several blocks into the city. The music he piped in from his phone was loud, but still not enough to drown out Toudou's excited chatter. The human insisted on linking arms with him, something that made the ghoul blush uncomfortably every time a curious passerby stared at the unlikely couple. His green hair already drew attention; he wasn't used to this many eyes on him. It was strange. He might never get used to this. He wasn't meant for this.

 

It was a relief for him when they turned into the alley and made their way single file down a narrow flight of metal stairs. Makishima smirked faintly as Toudou pressed in closer to his back. He could smell the sour tinge of uneasiness, the salt of sweat breaking the skin, but said nothing. A nervous Toudou was miraculously quieter than a comfortable one.

 

When they reached a steel door at the bottom, he popped out his ear buds and pulled out a key. The sign on the door said "Yagi", and the logo was a crudely drawn ram. Toudou looked like he was about to comment on it, but Makishima swung the door open before he got the words out.

 

He hit the wall switch and strolled in with his arms swept wide, ignoring the thundering of his heartbeat. It took serious effort to act like everything was normal – like he was not intensely anxious about how Toudou would react.

 

The fluorescent lights hummed on to illuminate the tiled floor and a series of shelves and tables. Hung on the walls, shelves, and on display stands, were a hundred different…

 

"Masks," Toudou breathed. "Maki-chan makes masks."

 

Makishima stood stiffly, thin lips twisted into a sour grimace. He picked at his sleeve, then shifted his weight into a slouch with his hands stuffed into pockets.

 

"I believe you're familiar with my work," he muttered finally. The implication hung heavily between them, and neither of them wanted to state it outright. _Ghoul masks._

 

Toudou walked as he stared at the masks in equal parts awe and repulsion. Some were macabre and intimidating with bared fangs or extra eyes painted on ceramic. Others were more playful with garish colors and add-ons like sequins or feathers. A few were themed: masquerade ball, Halloween, Mardi Gras… The atmosphere was haunting.

 

Makishima was an artist. Even if they were called ugly, the ghoul was proud of the works he created. He thought his creative streak was obvious with his fondness for vivid color – green hair highlighted with clashing red, clothes with asymmetrical patterns and mismatched stripes. He was inspired sometimes by the aesthetic of gravure, all softness and lace and ribbons and skin. He also found beauty in gore: the brilliant hues of innards spilled, bones exposed, the curves and shapes of secret components never meant to see the light of day.

 

"You never wore a mask when you fought me," Toudou accused suddenly. "I always wondered about that!"

 

Makishima scratched the back of his head. The corner of his mouth tugged up into a nervous smirk, which vanished as quickly as it appeared.

 

"The first time you caught me by surprise… and after that, you had already seen my face, so why bother? If I wanted anonymity, I'd have to wear a wig to conceal my hair, too…"

 

He sidled over to a desk tucked into the corner, sat down in his chair, and unlocked a drawer. Toudou peered curiously over his shoulder at the mask Makishima procured. The eight legs of a spider swept upward to frame slanting eye holes. The legs were painted in vivid yellow and black stripes, while the body was iridescent green.

 

"I made this one for myself, but I almost never use it," he explained with a shrug.

 

"Tacky," Toudou said immediately, and earned a bony elbow to the ribs.

 

"You know the Jorogumo myth?" Makishima asked with an unpleasantly crooked smile. He held the mask over his eyes. "You were seduced by a spider, Jinpachi. Now I can eat you at my leisure."

 

He had expected protest or a snappy retort, but instead Makishima was surprised by a warm kiss. A small noise caught involuntarily in the back of his throat. Toudou was always surprising him with affection he hardly deserved but took all the same. His long fingers curled into Toudou's shirt collar, pulling him in closer.

 

When they broke apart, Makishima absentmindedly slipped the mask back in the drawer.

 

"I… should have showed you all this sooner," the ghoul mumbled, fingers twisting the shirt fabric. He was more vulnerable than he cared to admit. "I figured you'd make a big deal out of it, being a Dove and all. You're the reason I have clients wanting to hide their faces, sho."

 

Toudou pouted. It could be hard to tell when he was being dramatic or if his feelings were genuinely hurt, but Makishima felt a small pang of guilt all the same. They were still on opposite teams, weren't they?

 

"I can't say I'm happy about what you're doing, Maki-chan, but I'm glad you're finally letting me in. I just want—"

 

His mouth snapped abruptly shut. Toudou was staring wide-eyed at something over the ghoul's shoulder. Makishima swiveled in his chair, and then sighed in exasperation at the person fidgeting in the doorway.

 

_Shit, I forgot he would hear us. This day is going to kill me._

 

"How long have you been standing there, Onoda," he groaned into his hands. He quashed the ridiculous urge to shout at everyone to leave his studio; the people in his life had to meet eventually, so why not get it over with today when he was already mortified. The more, the merrier.

 

"Oh! You're… _oh!_ Th-this must be… Toudou Jinpachi?" the bespectacled boy stuttered politely and bowed, a deep blush staining his cheeks pink.

 

"I, I, I'm sorry to interrupt, Makishima-san! I'll go get us coffee while you, um, finish up with your, um, your… _mate!_ "

 

Still bowing profusely, the boy hurriedly made his exit.

 

* * *

 

 

Makishima drummed his fingers impatiently on the desk while he waited for Onoda to cool off and return. He glowered at Toudou, silently blaming him for yet another troublesome situation.

 

"Was that your client? Sorry for scaring him off, wahaha! He must be intimidated by true beauty – someone who wears glasses like those has no visual appeal to speak of!" Toudou laughed cattily, immune to the dirty looks the ghoul was throwing in his direction.

 

"Onoda-kun is my apprentice. He helps me fill orders in return for letting him stay here," Makishima stated testily.

 

Toudou tossed his hair flippantly. "But he _is_ a ghoul, right? You aren't collecting humans as some weird hobby? I _am_ your first, Maki-chan, and he's less than a three out of ten," he gossiped on.

 

Makishima flicked a pen at his handsome idiot face, and brightened considerably when it stung him on the nose.

 

Onoda came sheepishly through the door with a cardboard tray and three travel cups of hot coffee. He avoided making eye contact when he set the tray down on the desk. The ghoul did his best to ignore how Toudou scrutinized the teen, obvious in his jealousy.

 

Makishima sighed peevishly and rubbed his temples. "We've got a repair coming in," he muttered, and Onoda scurried obediently to gather a tool kit.

 

"Here, Onoda," he added, and pulled a baggie from his drawer. Makishima dropped a handful of small brown cubes into the one coffee cup, and ducked his head to evade Onoda's bright smile.

 

"Are those sugar cubes? I thought ghouls didn't like sweet things, or it made them sick, something like that," Toudou chirped conversationally.

 

Both ghouls shifted uncomfortably as the silence became awkward.

 

Onoda glanced down into the cup and stammered hesitantly, "It's, um… You're right, it's not sugar, um…"

 

Makishima clamped his hand on the smaller ghoul's shoulder and shot a leer at Toudou that Onoda missed. "You're better off not knowing, sho," he drawled.

 

Toudou gave his most disapproving moue, and drew a deep breath to argue.

 

They were saved by the knock at the door. All three jumped, but Onoda was quick to dash and open it.

 

"Imaizumi-kun!" Onoda cheered.

 

"Close the door behind you. How is Kinjou holding up," Makishima asked casually, though there was something guarded in his tone.

 

The dark-haired ghoul named Imaizumi straightened politely and removed his damaged rabbit mask. He looked younger without the mask on – tall for his age, with sharp features and expressive blue eyes. Toudou stood a little straighter, on guard around this new element. Onoda beamed.

 

"Kinjou sends his regards, and his regrets that he can't come in person," Imaizumi stated delicately. His gaze lingered oddly on Toudou, but he didn't comment on the human present. He turned to Onoda, and his careful expression softened into a warm smile. "It's good to see you again, Sakamichi."

 

Onoda bridled with pleasure and quickly took the rabbit mask over to the work bench. Imaizumi followed him to watch.

 

"How did you damage your mask this time, Imaizumi-kun? You should be more careful!"

 

"It couldn't be helped. A pair of ghouls trespassed and I had to repel them. The ukaku had wild aim, and cracked my mask."

 

"Imaizumi-kun shouldn't jump into battle by himself! At least patrol with a partner, like Sugimoto-san or Kanzaki-san…"

 

"It's quieter if I go alone. I like the solitude. I can usually handle interlopers, but these two caught me off-guard. It won't happen again."

 

Makishima tuned out of the conversation, satisfied that his client would be taken care of. He glanced back at Toudou, who was still squinting at the two teens.

 

"Do you want me to walk you back to the condo, now that you've seen where I sneak off to every day?" the ghoul asked drily.

 

Toudou shook his head vigorously. "No, let me stay, Maki-chan! I want to watch you work! What do you have to do?"

 

Makishima felt like sighing for the hundredth time that morning, and settled for grinding his teeth. He set down his phone and stabbed angrily at it to bring up a list.

 

"Online orders to fill," he muttered. "I like to listen to music, Jinpachi, so I won't be talking –"

 

"Do you rent this studio or do you own it? How did you get so much Tokyo real estate, because honestly, Maki-chan, it shouldn't be easy for a ghoul, no offense—"

 

This day was going to be the death of him.

 

* * *

 

 

It took some negotiating to get Toudou to agree not to follow him to the studio every day that week. Toudou was convinced that his flair for fashion and eye for beauty would be a boon to the mask shop, and that he could help them expand their appeal to human customers and therefore not hinder the CCG's work. To make matters worse, Onoda was deeply impressed by the human and encouraged his opinions.

 

Since Makishima hadn't had the foresight to blindfold Toudou on the walk to the studio, he knew the address and could drop by anytime during business hours. Troublesome. Eventually they could forge him a fake I.D. and get him a job to keep him busy, but for now, all of Toudou's time and energy was focused on Makishima. The agreement they finally hammered out was that Toudou could come by for lunch hour when they weren't working anyway, but he couldn't complain if the ghouls were eating too. (Sometimes he even abided by that stipulation.)

 

Makishima gnawed thoughtfully on a piece of jerky he'd been curing himself. Turned out okay, he mused, but the next batch could use more seasoning. Over on the bench Toudou had engaged Onoda in some inane discussion about the beef noodle bowl he purchased from a street vendor. He was waving his chopsticks and chattering animatedly, and Onoda was fascinated by the presentation of the dish and kept asking questions about the colorful vegetables floating in the broth.

 

It struck him that they were both probably lonely and actually looked forward to these chats. Makishima was not one for small talk. It was good for the two to get it out of their systems, since getting Makishima to socialize was like drawing blood from a stone. Even replying to texts was too much effort most of the time, and that didn't require eye contact. He crinkled his nose at the scent of animal tallow and teriyaki wafting nearby, and lamented that the shop didn't have windows to air out the smell.

 

"Did you want to try some, Megane-kun?" Toudou offered congenially, and then blustered. "Well, probably not, right? You ghouls would rather kill and eat _people_ than perfectly good people _food_."

 

"W-well, that's not exactly… I… I love humans. They're amazing! I could never kill a person," Onoda admitted. His voice was soft, but there was conviction in his wide eyes.

 

Toudou made a little squawk of disbelief, and shot a glance at Makishima. The lanky ghoul hunched his shoulders up and pretended not to hear. He had been hoping this discussion wouldn't come up.

 

_Quick, change the subject—_

 

"M… Makishima-san helps me. I… I'm sure I'm a terrible burden, and it is selfish of me to rely on others, but I work my hardest to repay him, if only a little."

 

"That's possible?! Maki-chan must _hate_ humans, since he doesn't even _try_ that," Toudou blurted.

 

Onoda squeaked, sensitive to the tension rising in the air. He fidgeted with his hands in his lap, unsure of where to look.

 

"I don't hate humans," Makishima sniffed, and made a show of tearing into the jerky. As he chewed, he muttered something sarcastic under his breath about one human in particular.

 

Toudou pointed a finger imperiously at the ghoul as if his point was proven.

 

"Don't lie, Maki-chan!"

 

"Do you hate cows?" the ghoul retorted with a jerk of his chin toward Toudou's beef noodles.

 

Toudou set down his chopsticks and pouted. "It's not the same thing! I wouldn't _date_ a cow!"

 

Makishima paused, face darkening. This was why he didn't want to have this conversation. Every time he tried to let his guard down…!

 

"It would be so much more convenient for you to have feelings for me if I was a pacifist like Onoda-kun, hm? Sorry for the trouble."

 

"That's not fair," Toudou protested shrilly. He stood up, hands planted on his hips. "It just takes some getting used to, all right? But – tell me! If you don't _have_ to kill to eat, why do you!?"

 

"Once a Dove, always a Dove," Makishima sniped. "Onoda-kun can't use his kagune because he doesn't feed. The cubes keep him from starving, but he's defenseless without my protection. And thanks to your damn laws, it's gotten much harder to find corpses that died of natural causes. Some of us must hunt to survive. That's how we're made, sho."

 

Toudou stared defiantly, unwilling to back down. Makishima rose from his seat, kakugan gleaming dangerously. Onoda glanced back and forth frantically, waving his hands and stammering some desperate plea to placate the two. They both ignored him.

 

"You've killed investigators," Toudou accused, his voice rising in pitch. "My squad. That wasn't survival, Maki-chan, that was – was – mass murder! You enjoy it! Admit it!"

 

"I knew you weren't over that. Don’t play the victim when you killed ghouls," Makishima seethed.

 

"Face it, Jinpachi, you fell in love with a murderer and you're not gonna change me no matter how much you hate that part of me. I should be able to live my way without being _wrong_. If you still believe ghoul lives are worth less than humans', why are you here?"

 

Toudou jerked back like he'd been slapped. Makishima could feel heat pooling into his lower back, and the itch of his kakuhou threatening to burst through skin. He didn't need his kagune for this fight – shouldn't be fighting at all, but Toudou always got to him in a way he could not ignore. Sometimes he couldn't stop himself in time.

 

Maybe their rivalry would never die and they were fated to clash endlessly as opposites.

 

" _Promise me you'll tell him how you feel, instead of making him chase you until you idiots both kill each other."_

 

Toudou's eyes shone with angry tears, but he was rendered speechless. Makishima's fingers twitched out of guilt.

 

 _I made him cry again_. _Good going._

 

He should take it back (probably). He should apologize for always resisting and being moody and difficult to be around. But Toudou owed him an apology too. He was always condescending toward ghouls— _ignorant_ , making demands like that without even realizing how insulting it was to ask a ghoul to stop feeding! Next he would talk about RC suppressants or… _rings_ , another way to try and domesticate him. Ghouls were predators. There was no shame in what he was.

 

Makishima remained silent as Toudou ran out the door. After a beat he stormed over to his desk and slammed down in his chair. He had work to do, dammit, and he would not drop everything to chase after Toudou like a stupid romance movie. Kakugan glowered at the mask order he was supposed to start. He hated it. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

 

_Concentrate!_

 

Let the fool have his temper tantrum; he would be texting within the hour with his list of demands (which would probably include flowers because Toudou liked _pretty_ things). He wouldn't give Toudou the satisfaction of worrying over yet another petty squabble.

 

* * *

 

 

The condo was quiet that night.

 

Makishima lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. For once, he had all of the blankets, space to stretch out his legs and arms, and silence to hear his own thoughts.

 

He couldn't sleep at all.

 

Toudou hadn't come back. He hadn't texted or called, and Makishima found his phone forgotten on the charger. Dread coiled in the pit of his stomach when he tried to imagine what happened.

 

Had Toudou finally given up on him? Had he betrayed Makishima and returned to the CCG? He would only suffer consequences if he told them he deserted willingly. Toudou could always claim he'd been held hostage, and they would probably reinstate him. If the human regretted his decision, he could find a way out of this mess.

 

Makishima buried his face in the pillow. It still smelled like Toudou, something pure with traces of spring water and blossoms and tea leaves.

 

 

 


	2. You can tell me when it's over if the high was worth the pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toudou's persistence was slowly tearing down the walls Makishima built to protect himself, but it wasn't enough. He was just too pessimistic to believe anyone would want to stay with him. The closer he got, the harder Makishima would push him away.
> 
> A ghoul and a human, they both knew it wouldn't be forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to break this into chapters, don't mind meee just fiddling around ;)

 

_He had forgotten poor Onoda was still in the studio until the teen meekly approached him._

 

_"M-M-Makishima-san," he stammered, and flinched when Makishima whipped around to glare daggers._

 

_"What is it, Onoda," he sighed. He regretted fighting in front of Onoda. Actually, he had a lot of regrets about today, but it was easier to focus on that one._

 

_The small ghoul inclined his head, letting the glare on his glasses lenses hide his expression._

 

_"It's closing time. I… I know it's not my place to say anything, and that my opinion has no weight in this subject," he began humbly. "B-but! I feel like I should let you know..."_

 

_Makishima let his chin drop wearily into his hand. Where had the hours gone? Onoda fidgeted, but when he received no command to stop, he gulped and pressed on._

 

_"Toudou-san and I have had conversations about the differences between ghouls and humans. He… He's trying to learn about us – about you. I don't believe Toudou-san hates that part of you at all. He… he smiles when he talks about you. Toudou-san can't hate anything about you. If anything… he's worried you hate him."_

 

_The ghoul stared blankly at his desk. The mask he spent hours on was not the one he'd been commissioned to craft. This one was elegant, adorned with peacock feathers and sweeping shades of blue sky and green grass and small accents of fluttering orange. It was unlike anything Makishima had made prior._

 

_It was pretty._

* * *

 

 

Makishima growled, and dug his fingers angrily into the pillow. The phone on the charger, the clothes in the dresser, the food in the fridge, the wrinkles in the sheets, the toothbrush in the bathroom, Toudou was everywhere at once but nowhere to be found. He hated this oppressive longing that made it hard to breathe.

 

"I know, Onoda-kun," he mumbled into the pillow. "I'm no good at saying what I mean. I'm no good at caring about others, sho."

 

Makishima made impossible demands and set himself up for disappointment. Toudou would bend over backward to try and make all of his wishes come true, even the impossible ones. Toudou's persistence was slowly tearing down the walls Makishima built to protect himself, but it wasn't enough. He was just too pessimistic to believe anyone would want to stay with him.

 

The closer he got, the harder Makishima would push him away. A ghoul and a human, they both knew it wouldn't be forever.

 

He thought of how he'd tested Toudou in the cruelest way he could imagine, wanting to see him break, when he already knew the answer he would get if he just asked.

 

He remembered the feeling of gentle hands along his kagune, of soft kisses pressed against liquid muscle, of affirmations of love whispered for his ears alone.

 

He didn't think of the bright, shallow smile Toudou flashed when he preened in public, but rather the fond expression he only wore when they woke up tangled together and saw each other for the first time that day.

 

He thought of his brother, Ren, who went on a business trip five years ago and never came back.

 

He thought of his best friend, Tadokoro, on the run and cut off from contact.

 

He thought of needy, childish, high maintenance, troublesome Jinpachi storming out the door, never to be seen again like everyone else who left, and finally, Makishima broke down and cried.

 

* * *

 

 

By morning, Makishima stood panting in the epicenter of the ruin he'd wreaked.

 

The eight legs of his spidery rinkaku loomed from floor to ceiling. He had started with gutting the pillow and before he knew it, he was smashing furniture and flinging things against the walls and shredding the carpet and curtains and anything he could get ahold of.

 

He could have spent that time looking for Toudou, but no, he made terrible decisions and he hated everything in the condo, and gripped in a paroxysm of grief and fear and rage he wanted to claw everything to pieces, so he did.

 

Down feathers and broken glass crunched beneath his bare feet as he stalked from room to room, kagune scraping gouges into the wallpaper. His throat was sore like he had been shouting, but he didn't remember if he had or not. It was lucky he owned this place; no one gave a shit what the crazy artist did to it. At some point he had tipped over the refrigerator and spilled all those stupid boxes of labeled leftovers onto the kitchen tiles.

 

There were remnants of Toudou everywhere – the scent was in his nostrils and he couldn't stand it anymore.

 

He yanked his hair into a messy ponytail, threw on a coat and shoes, and barely retracted his kagune before he rushed out the door.

 

The Tokyo streets bustled with morning commuters and students. They bumped against him, warm bodies and tempting smells, but Makishima jostled them roughly out of his way. He was going to find that idiot and kill him once and for all for ruining his life. His eyes were still damp, and he scrubbed at them with his sleeve, annoyed that he couldn't even control that small detail. He had to assume his kakugan weren't out because the people around him were annoyed but not terrified, though honestly, he didn't think he could hold back anything right now.

 

More than anything, he was scared.

 

Makishima pushed, complained, mocked, tested, avoided, attacked, did everything in his power to keep people at arms' length, but it didn't make him any less selfish and hypocritical for secretly wanting them to stay. Clearly no matter how many times he asked to be left alone he would _panic_ at the first sign of abandonment and maybe, just maybe, he appreciated how desperately clingy Toudou was because it made him feel _needed_. Maybe he yearned for someone who couldn't live without him.

 

No one had ever loved Makishima as openly and wholeheartedly as Toudou Jinpachi, the man who betrayed his entire species for a chance to be with him. He didn't want to ruin that, if he hadn't already.

 

* * *

 

 

Makishima's wandering came to an abrupt end. His heart thudded painfully in his chest as he caught a familiar scent amid the acrid mess of pavement, metal, stone, exhaust, meat. It was a faintly pleasant perfume, a wisp of flower petals and green tea, tinged with the metallic tang of blood. The ghoul trembled and bolted, color draining from his face.

 

_No, no, no, shit, not this, Jinpachi, don't you dare, you are not allowed to do this to me –_

 

Around the corner he saw pedestrians being herded back behind police tape. A white coat and a shock of blue hair drew his eye. Makishima stumbled to a halt.

 

A Dove in broad daylight. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the spider mask, tying it automatically with trembling fingers. He had started carrying it on Toudou's recommendation, but he hardly ever had a need for it. It still seemed pointless, just like the other thousand lectures about health and safety he got daily (except for today), but every once in a while Makishima remembered to listen. He stared in numb disbelief through the slants he had whittled himself.

 

The investigator was undeniably Manami Sangaku, Toudou's protégé and partner. Why was he here. Why was there blood.

 

"He can't have gone far," Manami stated, pointing with the broadsword quinque. "Fan out and see if we can trap him in one of these alleys. I want to see his face."

 

He had gone up a rank, Makishima realized when he spotted the wings pinned to the overcoat. He was wielding Sleeping Beauty now. There was something different about him – without Toudou, Manami seemed… darker. Tired. Dangerous.

 

The scent on the heavy koukaku sword smelled horribly familiar. Without thinking, the ghoul stumbled around the corner and walked into view. That scent belonged to him and him alone.

 

Manami's eyes lit up with manic glee. He bared his teeth in a wild grin and leveled the quinque in his direction.

 

"It's you! Peak Spider!" he called loudly. The handful of local police left their search and rushed back to the officer's side. The human spectators clamored to see, even as the beleaguered law enforcement hurriedly pushed them back.

 

It dawned on Makishima that Manami didn't realize who he had been hunting. Had Toudou lied to protect their cover? Even to his old partner, he would rather hide his face and play ghoul than reveal he had faked his death?

 

Something welled in Makishima's chest that made him claw at his ribs and choke back a scream. He was distraught, he didn't have _time_ for this, Toudou was hurt, Toudou was bleeding somewhere—! His rinkaku burst violently through his coat, spider legs striking the pavement to force his body upward. Makishima dangled in the air as the people below screamed: "Ghoul, monster!"

 

Manami charged at him without fear. His youthful face was contorted into a wicked smile that would have unsettled Makishima, had he not been preoccupied with the icy dread of losing what he needed most. There was a clash of red as the shining blade struck his rinkaku. Two of his spider legs were severed clean off and toppled limp into the street.

 

Makishima barely flinched, and whipped his kagune into Manami's back. The investigator cried out and staggered forward, supporting his weight on the broadsword he thrust into the sidewalk. Makishima was not in the mood to be merciful.

 

Without pause, two more lengths of kagune slashed through the white coat and flayed the exposed skin, drawing out another ragged yell.

 

Their ears rang as shots were fired. One of the policemen emptied his pistol into Makishima, heedless to the shouts of his colleagues. Annoyed, Makishima plunged a rinkaku through the man's chest, and flung the corpse into the other humans to scatter them. They shrieked and took cover behind buildings and cars.

 

So what if he killed humans – they were trying to kill him first. He had no pity for them. He turned back to the investigator with a cruel snarl, and blocked the incoming quinque sword with a quick deflection of his kagune. He wanted to kill Manami too. He wanted to free the colors bottled up inside that body and splash them on the sidewalk as graffiti.

 

Manami was still smiling, but it was the frenzied look of a predator. He moved swiftly despite the weight of his weapon, darted below the reaching rinkaku, and thrust upward. Makishima gasped as the quinque bit into his torso.

 

The stroke was too shallow to disembowel, but the ghoul was still left doubled over and groaning. It had been a long time since he felt that particular blade on his skin. His spidery rinkaku skittered backward, dragging his body away from further harm.

 

"I want to know," Manami called enthusiastically as he dashed in pursuit, "-if you killed Toudou-san!"

 

Makishima could only growl. He wondered the same thing.

 

Abruptly he surged forward to meet his opponent. Two more of his rinkaku were lopped off by the quinque, but his feet hit the ground running and the momentum didn't stop. His remaining tendrils snaked around each of Manami's limbs, stretching him spread eagle in the air. The koukaku blade clattered harmlessly in the street.

 

Manami was panting heavily, but his efforts to struggle free were in vain. His wrists and ankles were bound tight, and Makishima was pulling still, clutching his bleeding abdomen and contemplating dismemberment as retribution. He wanted to tear that pretty little head right off its shoulders for having injured Toudou.

 

The captive Dove's smile turned bitter as he stared unflinchingly into the ghoul's red and black eyes.

 

"I guess it's fitting that you should kill me too, Spider. I could never come close to Toudou-san's genius. I just want to know what happened to him. I admired him. And he admired _you_. Tell me how he died!"

 

Makishima stared through his mask. His teeth were clenched against the pain of the slow-healing wound, skin clammy and pale. He had no pity for the bright-eyed investigator, but it would be spiteful to rip apart someone that mattered to Toudou. He was a selfish and ruthless ghoul, but in the end he did care what Toudou thought of him.

 

"I didn't kill him," Makishima stated honestly. "And out of respect to his wishes, I won't kill you either."

 

He didn't _hate_ humans. He was apathetic about humans. Before Manami could respond, Makishima flexed his rinkaku. Wrists and ankles were crushed simultaneously, locking hands and feet into unnatural angles. Manami's head snapped back as he howled in agony.

 

Makishima dumped him unceremoniously to the pavement. The broken investigator writhed as the ghoul sidled over to him. Tears streamed freely down his shock-white face. Makishima drew back his leg and kicked him sharply in the ribs, forcing him to curl in on himself.

 

The ghoul squatted beside the quivering Dove, and scooped his fingers into the raw flesh of the injured back. He delicately peeled off a strip of bloody skin and watched the way the raw muscles underneath twitched out of reflex. Manami was emitting a strange whining noise while rocking against the asphalt, lips pulled back in a ghastly grimace.

 

Makishima swallowed his prize. He grunted in quiet satisfaction at the feeling of his shorn abdominal muscles knitting back together, and his amputated kagune regenerating. He would be fully healed in minutes, unlike the unlucky soul at his feet.

 

"You'll live," the ghoul commented as he rose and stepped over the convulsing human. Manami tried to whisper something, but all that came out was a shuddering gasp.

 

"See you in a few months, sho," Makishima added snidely.

 

* * *

 

 

The scent of blood led him through the winding maze of Tokyo. He found Toudou collapsed near a parking lot, coat pulled over his face. There was a gash in his calf that was still sluggishly bleeding, staining his pants leg.

 

The ghoul scooped him gently into his arms and cradled his head close to his chest before rising on his spidery rinkaku. His scent was reassuring, and his heartbeat was feeble but steady. The red limbs of kagune clambered up the side of a building, carrying them swiftly away from the ground.

 

They would both have to lay low after this, mask or not. He might even go up to S-Rank after assaulting yet another Dove. Toudou was almost more trouble than he was worth. Almost.

 

Makishima pressed his lips to Toudou's forehead. His anemic skin was cold to the touch. The human stirred, violet-blue eyes fluttering open in confusion. The ghoul glanced down and saw a fond smile of recognition, the one reserved for him alone. He quickly looked away, blinking back the unwanted dampness in his eyes.

 

"Sorry about yesterday, sho," he muttered quickly. "I found you. You'll be okay."

 

Toudou's fingers weakly gripped the front of his shirt. "Maki-chan found me," he mumbled, burying his nose into the ghoul's chest. "Maki-chan, I got lost and I didn't have my phone, and… Manami! Manami was there, and…!"

 

Makishima squeezed him more tightly, wanting to reassure him but not knowing the words necessary.

 

"It's okay, Jinpachi," he reiterated.

 

"I… bumped into Manami but I couldn't let him see my face," Toudou recounted haltingly. He furrowed his brows. "He… saw me running and assumed I was a ghoul… How insulting! As if someone with my aesthetic would ever stoop to cannibal- ow, ow, Maki-chan, you're hurting meee," he whined, squirming in the suddenly vice-like grip.

 

"Shut up, Toudou," Makishima murmured affectionately.

 

Toudou huffed petulantly. There were sleepless bruises underneath his eyes, and he was trembling from exhaustion. Makishima abruptly recalled what he had done to his condo, and wondered which of them had a rougher time apart. He rubbed Toudou's shoulder gently, intensely relieved to have him within the circle of his arms again. His rinkaku skittered on, pulling them from building to building.

 

"Maki-chan, are you injured? Are you going to bite me? I'm sure I'm delicious, but you must resist temptation, I don't want any scars," Toudou babbled dazedly, pressing a hand on the hole torn through his clothes.

 

Makishima barked a laugh. "I would never eat you, Jinpachi. It's healed, anyway – I ate Manami instead."

 

Toudou spluttered and thrashed in his arms. "Maki-chan!" he squealed in horror, drumming fists against the ghoul's chest.

 

"Stop before you fall, idiot, we're nowhere near the ground!" Makishima snapped. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding, he's alive, Jinpachi."

 

"But… you fought him?" Toudou asked in a small voice.

 

Makishima nodded curtly. He swallowed, and returned his attention to the cityscape. They were close to the mask shop, and dropped swiftly into the deserted alley. His kagune folded in on itself and coiled into his kakuhou, leaving only torn fabric and sore muscles as a reminder. He held onto Toudou for a moment longer before slowly lowering him to stand. Toudou's arm was slung over his shoulder, and he leaned heavily to stay upright.

 

"Why didn't you kill him?" Toudou asked finally. Makishima sighed.

 

"I knew you'd make a big deal out of it, and I didn't want to argue again," he grumbled half-sincerely. Toudou looked genuinely relieved, but Makishima wasn't done. He cleared his throat with difficulty, and stared at the cracked pavement beneath his feet.

 

 _You_ _have to get it over with_.

 

"Jinpachi… you know I love you… right?"

 

Toudou gawked.

 

Makishima stiffened self-consciously. He could feel the blush creeping up his ears and reddening his face. He struggled against the urge to take it back just to end the moment.

 

When he chanced a glance in Toudou's direction, he saw a blush to rival his own, a quivering lip, and eyes shining with joyful tears. Immediately he cuffed Toudou upside the head, knocking the stupid hairband to the ground.

 

"Shut up, Toudou! Don't act like I've never said 'I love you' before! Get inside the shop before someone sees us!"

 

"You almost _never_ say it, Maki-chan, it's so rare I want to savor the moment!"

 

"Don't say such stupid things or I'll kill you myself! Idiot! Idiot!!"

 

"Maki-chan, so mean!! And I can't believe you would rather eat Manami than me! That wounds me, it really does, you can't say he has better flavor because I eat only the healthiest ingredients—"

 

They bickered all the way down the steps, Toudou slumping weakly into Makishima's support. When Onoda opened the door, he squeaked in shock and scurried to help Toudou to the bench.

 

Makishima cleaned, stitched, and bandaged the gash, and Toudou soon fell asleep on the bench. The ghoul gave Onoda money to run out for human painkillers and iron-rich food, and Onoda darted out as quickly as his legs could carry him. Alone, Makishima finally allowed himself to relax.

 

He slouched forward on the bench. One hand stroked Toudou's bangs back from his face, the other clasping Toudou's fingers. His skin was still pale, but felt a little warmer to the touch.

 

"Don't ever scare me like that again, sho," he mumbled.

 

The human snored softly. Makishima rubbed Toudou's knuckles with the pad of his thumb. He drew a shaky breath, and continued.

 

"I… I need you. You think I don't, but… I do. I'm just no good at this. I'm the problem, not you. I'm always making you cry…"

 

The ghoul closed his eyes and squeezed the hand he was holding. He would buy flowers and rings and lame headbands, and return text messages, and share stories, and just… be better. He would get better at this.

 

"Sorry for being difficult. I'm trying, though. Maybe someday I'll get to the point where I can say this stuff to you when you're awake," he muttered with a short laugh. Then he raised Toudou's hand to his lips, and kissed each finger.

 

He would always be a pessimist. He knew it wouldn't be long before they'd be back to petty bickering and name-calling. He would get frustrated at the lack of boundaries, the clingy behavior, the melodrama. He would have trouble sharing a bed at night. It was still strange to have his solitary life revolve around another person, and he knew one day he would be alone again.

 

But this was his life, mistakes and all, and for as long as he could he was choosing to share it with this annoying, vain, petulant, perfect human.

 

He leaned his cheek against the palm and whispered.

 

"I love you, Jinpachi."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...manami has never felt more alive :,)


End file.
